Yes... I still get emotional on Aliyah's Birthday... A reminder I am racing against time for Aliyah.

August 2 , 2013 "So Birthdays are really difficult for me to handle, I am at my most fragile state of mind because I feel as though time is ticking and Aliyah has not made as much of progress as the typical children, and with a new year acquired the gap keeps widening making it even more imposible for Aliyah to catch up.

On her birthdays I realize Aliyah, well the Aliyah I would of have is not coming... Epilepsy took her away from me.

I will never be at her ballet recital. She won't be able to speak Spanish with me or learn Latin. The lost language which is the root of many other languages which would have facilitated her journey to try other languages. Or let me teach her how to play the viola or flute. Or take advance salsa classes.  Let me set up her sweet 16 ..let me say "no boyfriend untill your out of college"..pay for her wedding, let me take care of her children... Epeilepsy took all of this from her and her mother... Even before she was born I planned her life, i know god must have laughed at my plans...

I love my sweet and tender Aliyah but I cannot help it to mourn for the Aliyah I would have had.. Epilepsy did too much damage to her brain...I feel as I lost a child, I know that sounds ridiculous... But I get this way on Birthdays.. Healthy little girl.... Everything went great until her seizures started.. A few a day then hundreds a day.... They were so subtle.... They were not the traditional convulsions... Epilepsy disguised itself so well.. We might of missed Aliyah  window of opportunity.

I know I have issues.. But I could have sworn I thought I was over this I thought I accepted the fact I have a beautiful special needs child.

I guess i am not there yet.. But i wish i can get there because this feeling i have right now is killing me, i hate this.. I feel as I have no one to really talk to about this. I know you ladies are their but i guess its easier writing and letting go of ky thoughts here... Getting this off my chest. I just want this feeling to go away.... I just don't do well with birthdays"