It's almost 3 a.m. and I am on the verge of exploding.
I am filing insurance reimbursements for Aliyah's speech therapy... Already denied for a good GRAND chunk of it, but that is because ONE: I went out of network, TWO: Hand picked Aliyah's provider, and 3) went on to filing my own claims ( reason why I can't get them to pay me back!).....
I am appealing, because I am a newbie at filing claims .... obviously I did something wrong!!! I was suppose to be reimbursed at least 75% of all expenses, but since I met my catastrophic cap, Aliyah's insurance SHOULD cover 100% of it!!!!... My daughter needs therapy, so no one is going to take that from her, not my husband, not my credit card company, not even her insurance ... NO ONE!!!!!! thank goodness I have a $8,000 credit limit on one of my credit cards... thank effing goodness!!!!
Why am I emotional?
Why?
Oh, it must be because all of this financial bullshit we have to go through on top of our daily life as special needs parents. SPecial needs children are very expensive... medical bills are ridiculousness... I feel broken once again...
I did call it a day and tried to go to bed but as I lie down next to my 4 year old -Aliyah I can't help it but to feel USELESS.. like a piece of shit.... can't do anything right... I need to get those claimed settled or else I am failing Aliyah....
Why do I feel shitty???? Must be because of the noun "BOWL"...... yes now certain vocabulary bothers me... Today Aliyah wanted goldfish crackers.... she signed it -great, even vocalized crackers, but when I asked her to go and get me her bowl that was on her high chair... she kept on saying "crackers" NOT understanding why I am asking her to get her bowl... Bruce, my 2 year old grabbed his bowl and asked for "fish crackers" and "cheese" sticks.
My 4 year old did not understand the word bowl... and that makes me very fragile. Aliyah is on the 25% percentile when it comes to her height and weight ... so she sometimes passes as Bruce's Twin (he is a tank on the 95% percentile for height and weight).
But how will I feel when she doesn't look like a toddler anymore... how would I go about it when she is in grade school.. a teenager!!!! I am racing against time.... The world is against me (I know damn well its not) but I feel as it is. Anyone and anything IS against me when I get this way I ... I guess I have this verge of shutting anything and anyone down.... This insecurity on life, on what is to become of Aliyah's future - gives me this ... this sense of energy... tense energy..."at the edge energy".. The type that one doesn't want to mess with because I will go at it until I get what I need and want....
BECAUSE SINCE I CANNOT CONTROL MY DAUGHTER'S SITUATION I HAVE TO CONTROL EVERYTHING AROUND ME....
I remember when Aliyah's "former" Speech therapist over booked us and made us wait for an hour (even though it was HER DAMN MISTAKE) Yes, you better believed I fired her!!!! I have no time for her stupidity. Some people just annoy the living crap out of me... Do what your paid to do and help my little one. I have NO time for other people's bullshit. NONE
I know I do burn bridges .... But that's because the MAMA BEAR in me cannot contain herself. If anyone messes with my daughter's schedule, therapy services, or her education I just go at it... and will fight to get the right person to get that fixed asap... I may be a young mom but I will voice my opinion and I will find a way to get things done.... even if it was denied. I WILL find a way... I can be a nightmare to most because I am all over my child's progress and if I feel my child is "failing" under his or her (provider's) standards, that must mean YOU (the provider/therapist) FAILED MY CHILD....
I don't know who is reading this... don't know if you have walked on similar shoes before... but sometimes I do not know how I am going to wake up and ready to survive another day..... I know I should pick the right battles... but to me I need to face them all.. because that is the type of parent Aliyah deserves.... one that would do anything for her...
My sweet and tender little girl stole my heart... She unwillingly has buried me with my own tears.... and I caged myself into this state of mind where sometimes I fight myself to shake things off.
Life is not simple... Life is complicated... But the one thing Aliyah has definitely taught me ... is to not be selfish ... I love this little girl so much it hurts. how I wish I could take her spot so she could lead a "typical" life. I guess what is hurting me right now is ME NOT ABLE TO LET GO OF THE "WHAT IF ALIYAH was a nuero-typical child..."
those type of thoughts haunt me and is no good for me... it is a poison I need to get rid of.
I am filing insurance reimbursements for Aliyah's speech therapy... Already denied for a good GRAND chunk of it, but that is because ONE: I went out of network, TWO: Hand picked Aliyah's provider, and 3) went on to filing my own claims ( reason why I can't get them to pay me back!).....
I am appealing, because I am a newbie at filing claims .... obviously I did something wrong!!! I was suppose to be reimbursed at least 75% of all expenses, but since I met my catastrophic cap, Aliyah's insurance SHOULD cover 100% of it!!!!... My daughter needs therapy, so no one is going to take that from her, not my husband, not my credit card company, not even her insurance ... NO ONE!!!!!! thank goodness I have a $8,000 credit limit on one of my credit cards... thank effing goodness!!!!
Why am I emotional?
Why?
Oh, it must be because all of this financial bullshit we have to go through on top of our daily life as special needs parents. SPecial needs children are very expensive... medical bills are ridiculousness... I feel broken once again...
I did call it a day and tried to go to bed but as I lie down next to my 4 year old -Aliyah I can't help it but to feel USELESS.. like a piece of shit.... can't do anything right... I need to get those claimed settled or else I am failing Aliyah....
Why do I feel shitty???? Must be because of the noun "BOWL"...... yes now certain vocabulary bothers me... Today Aliyah wanted goldfish crackers.... she signed it -great, even vocalized crackers, but when I asked her to go and get me her bowl that was on her high chair... she kept on saying "crackers" NOT understanding why I am asking her to get her bowl... Bruce, my 2 year old grabbed his bowl and asked for "fish crackers" and "cheese" sticks.
My 4 year old did not understand the word bowl... and that makes me very fragile. Aliyah is on the 25% percentile when it comes to her height and weight ... so she sometimes passes as Bruce's Twin (he is a tank on the 95% percentile for height and weight).
But how will I feel when she doesn't look like a toddler anymore... how would I go about it when she is in grade school.. a teenager!!!! I am racing against time.... The world is against me (I know damn well its not) but I feel as it is. Anyone and anything IS against me when I get this way I ... I guess I have this verge of shutting anything and anyone down.... This insecurity on life, on what is to become of Aliyah's future - gives me this ... this sense of energy... tense energy..."at the edge energy".. The type that one doesn't want to mess with because I will go at it until I get what I need and want....
BECAUSE SINCE I CANNOT CONTROL MY DAUGHTER'S SITUATION I HAVE TO CONTROL EVERYTHING AROUND ME....
I remember when Aliyah's "former" Speech therapist over booked us and made us wait for an hour (even though it was HER DAMN MISTAKE) Yes, you better believed I fired her!!!! I have no time for her stupidity. Some people just annoy the living crap out of me... Do what your paid to do and help my little one. I have NO time for other people's bullshit. NONE
I know I do burn bridges .... But that's because the MAMA BEAR in me cannot contain herself. If anyone messes with my daughter's schedule, therapy services, or her education I just go at it... and will fight to get the right person to get that fixed asap... I may be a young mom but I will voice my opinion and I will find a way to get things done.... even if it was denied. I WILL find a way... I can be a nightmare to most because I am all over my child's progress and if I feel my child is "failing" under his or her (provider's) standards, that must mean YOU (the provider/therapist) FAILED MY CHILD....
I don't know who is reading this... don't know if you have walked on similar shoes before... but sometimes I do not know how I am going to wake up and ready to survive another day..... I know I should pick the right battles... but to me I need to face them all.. because that is the type of parent Aliyah deserves.... one that would do anything for her...
My sweet and tender little girl stole my heart... She unwillingly has buried me with my own tears.... and I caged myself into this state of mind where sometimes I fight myself to shake things off.
Life is not simple... Life is complicated... But the one thing Aliyah has definitely taught me ... is to not be selfish ... I love this little girl so much it hurts. how I wish I could take her spot so she could lead a "typical" life. I guess what is hurting me right now is ME NOT ABLE TO LET GO OF THE "WHAT IF ALIYAH was a nuero-typical child..."
those type of thoughts haunt me and is no good for me... it is a poison I need to get rid of.
