NOV. 4, 2011 AS A MOM I FEEL USELESS....

I am so close to finishing my degree in Microbiology, and plan on moving from Iowa to Maryland so that Aliyah can be near Johns Hopkins and be closer to my family because we are in need of emotional support through this rough time. My mother- I feel is the one person who feels my pain, though my husband shows it in different ways. I need someone to help me get through this. My daughter's life has changed.

Some one once told me to lower my expectations for Aliyah, at the time I was furious and within myself was like: HOW DARE SHE!!!! WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE TO TALK TO ME LIKE THAT? I AM THE MOTHER OF THIS BEAUTIFUL CHILD. I WILL NEVER GIVE UP HOPE. I HAVE HOPE ALIYAH CAN OVERCOME THIS AND BEAT THIS. I BELIEVE IN THE LORD'S POWER. HE MAY "CURE" ALIYAH AND REMOVE THIS ENTIRE NIGHTMARE FROM OUR FAMILY.

From then on I knew I needed to move to the east coast to be closer to my mother so that she can help me keep my sanity!!! GOD, PLEASE HELP ME! I know I have been in the dark and have deeply envied other parents and their joyful times. Why Aliyah? Why? Why any child? Why? I hate it when I find myself asking that stupid question to which I will never find out.

I feel useless, a wreck, weak, beaten down, and shaken down. But Aliyah cries when I cry. She loves to cuddle with me. My little one is worth all of this pain and so much more. I just wish I could take her spot. I would do anything... anything for her. All I want is for her to get better! Damn I hate this WHY WHY WHY!!!

Ever since I was a child and played with my dolls I planned out my "future" daughter's life(now Aliyah). And now people are making me resign and rethink a different plan for Aliyah.... not this year... and possibly not next year.... When will we heal as a family? When will this pain ever end...?

I had no idea how much a mother could possibly love her children..... I am blessed to be the mother of my children~ Aliyah and Bruce